Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Crazy Google Lady Banned From Google

Ok, not banned by Google but banned from Google by the hubbs…

Last year I swore off google for any and all IF purposes.  I was making myself nuts seeking and searching for something – anything related to my age, treatment, journey – anything.  Knowledge is power, right?  Finally I realized the search for knowledge was actually manic desperation for seeing the unknown.  I cut myself off cold turkey, and I was liberated!  Free to be okay knowing I had the knowledge I needed and was walking the charted course well armed.

Hearing from the nurse that my FSH is 13 which is definitely in the perimenopause category has sent me into an emotional tailspin.  …and the googling began.  This time I have been googling for hope.  Desperatly looking for any information about successful IVF with my numbers.   Unfortunately, all I have found is more despair.   Last night, after an hour and dozens of sites, I teared up (happens a lot these days) and curled up with the hubbs.   After a short paraphrase of how screwed we are, the big man laid down the law (or so he thinks)!  NO MORE GOOGLE!  He’s right.  I’m making myself crazier looking for hope in another persons experience, and my situation won’t change because I read about another persons life.

The truth is that we are all different, and women can and do have “change of life” babies naturally and medically.  It is possible that there is a miracle out there for me.  In our life we have faced worse odds and prevailed.  I insisted on the additional blood work which is why we have this information.  No one, including the hubbs, thought it was necessary since five months ago my FSH was beautiful and well below the norm for my age.  It is good that we know we are dealing with a more extreme situation than we thought.  With this new information The Good Doctor has changed my stim protocol.   Knowing the odds is hard, but I know we are doing everything medically that we can for success.

So for me NO MORE GOOGLE!!!!

TTFN!

Izzy

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Why Don’t I Own a Punching Bag????

It’s official – the anger has set in, and I think it’s going to be here a while.  My hubbs keeps telling me to not give up and that I have to be positive for this IVF cycle to take.  (My husband strangely morphed into a punching bag right before my minds eye!) Um… HELLO, I’ve done The Little Engine That Could for 10 years only to accomplish one chemical pregnancy.  Don’t tell me it will work if I stay positive!  Right now I’m positive I want to run to the top of a mountain and scream myself into a puddle!  Maybe that sounds extreme,  but it has been a long time since I have felt nothing but pure anger.  No matter what I’m doing this horrible anger boils up until i think i might in fact explode.  I am not a violent or aggressive person, but i fully managed to mutilate boiled chicken Tuesday night!  I generally go OCD when I’m in the kitchen.  Chopping up any food item requires precision, as if anyone cares that the onion is diced into perfect little pieces all the same size.  As I was cutting up boiled chicken, I suddenly got so mad that I started whacking the fool out of my cutting board and chicken was flying everywhere.  If only I had a punching bag!  My husband, startled by the noise, bellowed concern from the living room.  I did the happy “my knife just isn’t sharp enough” in my best Mrs Cleaver voice.  He acted like he bought it.  Maybe he did, but honestly, I don’t much care if he did or didn’t!  How’s that for a bad attitude?!?!?!

One of the big issues I have found with IVF at this age is the anger.  There must be a balance between letting go of the anger without succumbing to defeat.  As I trudge through this journey, I will continue to make constant use of my mental punching bag until I can take off the gloves and let it go…

 

TTFN!

 

Izzy

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Peri-what the what???

Since last week when Jenna and I discussed passing the Crazy Train torch to me, I have been rough-drafting my reintroduction, contemplating the format, possible outreach, ect.  Yesterday was the day to get my thoughts online!  The day to open myself back up to the WordPress world!  The day to share my ride since i bailed off the train last year!  The day to begin expression, coping, and healing! Or so i thought…

Perimenopause.  That’s what yesterday’s cycle day 4 blood work showed.  That’s the call I got in the middle of the afternoon while at work.  I was already having a bit of a time digesting the conversation I had with the nurse that morning regarding how confusing it was that none of my eggs fertilized during my first IVF cycle two weeks ago.  The numbers tell all.  Five months ago my FSH was in range of a 30 year old which was odd according to my doctor.  A year ago my levels were consistent with that of a 20 year old.  Talk about having hope!     Heck, I was old but my reserve was abundant!

In short, I’m 40, on bcp day 2, and walking toward our second and last IVF cycle.  I’ll post more in the days and moments to come regarding who I am and how i landed back here on the Crazy Train.  Whoever is out there reading, I wish you well with blessings abounding.

TTFN!

Izzy

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