Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Why Don’t I Own a Punching Bag????

on January 26, 2013

It’s official – the anger has set in, and I think it’s going to be here a while.  My hubbs keeps telling me to not give up and that I have to be positive for this IVF cycle to take.  (My husband strangely morphed into a punching bag right before my minds eye!) Um… HELLO, I’ve done The Little Engine That Could for 10 years only to accomplish one chemical pregnancy.  Don’t tell me it will work if I stay positive!  Right now I’m positive I want to run to the top of a mountain and scream myself into a puddle!  Maybe that sounds extreme,  but it has been a long time since I have felt nothing but pure anger.  No matter what I’m doing this horrible anger boils up until i think i might in fact explode.  I am not a violent or aggressive person, but i fully managed to mutilate boiled chicken Tuesday night!  I generally go OCD when I’m in the kitchen.  Chopping up any food item requires precision, as if anyone cares that the onion is diced into perfect little pieces all the same size.  As I was cutting up boiled chicken, I suddenly got so mad that I started whacking the fool out of my cutting board and chicken was flying everywhere.  If only I had a punching bag!  My husband, startled by the noise, bellowed concern from the living room.  I did the happy “my knife just isn’t sharp enough” in my best Mrs Cleaver voice.  He acted like he bought it.  Maybe he did, but honestly, I don’t much care if he did or didn’t!  How’s that for a bad attitude?!?!?!

One of the big issues I have found with IVF at this age is the anger.  There must be a balance between letting go of the anger without succumbing to defeat.  As I trudge through this journey, I will continue to make constant use of my mental punching bag until I can take off the gloves and let it go…






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