Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Dang You Aunt Flo!!!!!!!

Aunt Flo –

You SUCK!  I can feel your evil presence hovering all around me, and you’re so stinking hateful you won’t just knock on the door.  I’m sure you’re going to wait until after the results of my beta tomorrow to pounce!  That’s just typical of you.  For ten years now you have been pulling the same stunt.  I wait until I am a few days late to take the good old HPT which of course is negative and within hours you and your flaming red self show up!  Heck, there were times I took the test just so you would show up and I could get on with my month.  You’re so predictable.

Two years ago you really screwed with my head tho.  After IUI #2, I waited the correct time and took five, FIVE, HPT’s that were all positive, number 6 was negative then three days after that I my Beta showed I was already losing my lil sprout, and BAM! three hours later you show up.  What exactly is wrong with you?  I’ve tried to be nice about your stupid little visits, but I’m getting way too old and too near the complete end of your visiting to deal with these surprise visits.  STAY AWAY ALREADY!!!!!

If you want to visit, the least you could do is wait about nine months.  Seriously!

TTFN you crazy hateful hag!



Embracing The Two Week Wait…

Being no stranger to the dreaded …dun dun dunnnnn… 2ww, I have been anticipating this time for quite a while.  I expected this 2ww to be worse than any other since it is my first with an IVF cycle.  Maybe I thought it would be worse because so much more went in to this cycle.  More money, more emotion, more hormonal craziness, more needles, more time, more calendared efforts, more knowledge that I’m nearing the end of my biological time-clock time on the ride…

I, like the majority of IF’s, spend the 2ww busying myself with work, cleaning, exercise, reading (not googling!), chatting, visiting, texting, talking on the tele, checking the calendar every 45 minutes, and whatever I could come up with to keep my mind busy and not obsessing over the impending date a mere 14… 13… 12… 11…. days away.  No matter how I occupied my time, my nerves were on constant overload with the big MAYBE looming over head.

This wait is different.  The time frame is the same, but this time I’ve decided to embrace the wait!  I figure I can eithephoto (2)r be a complete frantic wreck on a wreck (my normal 2ww state of being), or frolic in the joy of what I know to be a truth.  Truth being that I have empirical proof of life which means there are two little living growing organisms inside of me.  Regardless of what happens in the next seven days or nine months right now they are here with me, and they are adored and wanted babies in my once vacant womb.  It’s actually quite simple and so very calming.  I talk to them (yes, that might borderline on loco) often throughout the day.  I keep my little prayer candles lit for them.  I have one of their pictures next to a beautiful bouquet of daisies from my hubbs.  When I look at his picture I smile a deep warm smile that certainly must originate in my soul.  I’m “eating for the boys” now.  Nothing Jessica Simpson crazy, but I generally don’t eat enough, so I’m making sure I eat 3 squares a day with plenty of protein and veggies.

Life is very peaceful, oddly peaceful time, and I’m so very thankful for this experience.  Not the IVF experience, but the chance to experience this joy in life.  I had a similar experience two years ago when had a pregnancy with an IUI.  I had home-tested and was pregnant for only a few days before I lost it.  Should these boys continue to grow and say hello in nine months, I will be thrilled to know the start of their life was nurturing and warm not frantic and anxiety ridden.  Should the Good Lord decide for those tiny souls to join Him and not say hello to me, well, then it will be nice to know what precious little time we had together in this 2 week wait I gave them love and every bit of my joy….



Leave a comment »

The Big Day – IVF

The Big Day was Saturday….

As it turned out, out of the eight embryos, we had two viable for transfer.  Now even though I have said all along that I realized all eight might not make it, I was a bit shocked to hear only two were good.  There was an IF euphoric belief dancing thru my head that there would be a plethora of embryos to freeze for a perimenopause rainy day…  But, dumb luck and good fortune being what it is, both lil blastocysts are male which is what we were hoping to have.


Now for the dreaded 2WW…….   Here’s to keeping peaceful sanity!

Leave a comment »

%d bloggers like this: