Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Fading Hope….

You know that point in your cycle when you start to feel “normal” and that “normal” completely freaks you out because your normal is the LAST thing you want yet again?  Who wants to feel normal?  Honestly, we want to feel pregnant, with child, in the family way, the bun in the oven NOT NORMAL!!!  Normal is an extended four letter word!!!

Well, I started to feel that on Sunday and it has increased with every hour of every day since.  My normal PMS consists of crying continually at nothing, shooting pains in the netherworld, and extreme exhaustion.  I would include swelling in that list, but thanks to all the hormones, I popped out of my jeans a week into injections, and my bra two days after the transfer.  In my freak out of the norm, I confided in a cousin and a sister-in-law.  Not terribly surprised that they both said that’s exactly how they felt while prego.  Great.  I wanted to argue that this is different because I can feel that damn Aunt Flo is lurking around the corner, but I was too tired to argue.  I appreciate the encouragement, but it’s not helping.  Those sweet encouraging words felt like an uplift for a huge downfall more than anything else.

Is it that freakish IF self-preservation telling me in that dark whisper “you’re not pregnant” or is it Mother Nature doing her thing and me being smart enough to know what she is saying?  Every time I have to hit the ladies room I start to panic anticipating what would signify the loss of my babies.  I find I’m pleading with God to let me babies grow and live in me with some naive notion that there’s still hope.

So many questions fill my head…  When is it too late for implantation?  What could I do to make AF stay away from me?  When did I lose my babies?  Why did I lose my babies?  Did my RE do enough?  Did I do enough?  Since I had 11 eggs, 8 fertilized, and 2 viable for transfer, is it worth another shot?  Another shot since I’m sure I’m not pregnant?  Where would we go for the cycle since my hubbs and I are living in two states 1500 miles apart?  And I’m terrified I’m going to have to make the call before my Thursday PT appointment.  The call to tell the nurse I’m bleeding and is there any reason for more blood work.  Ugh.  Ugh.  and triple Ugh.

TTFN – a pitiful and sad Izzy…

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My Whirlwind IVF Cycle

I had this great witty little ditty I was working on for my first sono/bw.  Seeing as how it was Valentine’s Day and my husband was out of town, it was easy to make the start of the cycle funny.  Boy oh boy did things take a turn from funny!

My Valentine’s sono showed two large cysts on the right side, so we may be screwed this cycle.  Did ever mention Peri-Menopause?!?!?!  Time is critical!  After work, I went home with a massive migraine which I’ve been accustomed to since childhood.  If I’m actually laid up, you can bet it is a doozy!  So my romantic dinner and chocolates consisted of Coco Crispies with skim milk.  (See, funny-ish!)  Sometime around 9:PM the doorbell rings and I get a dozen red roses that looked like they had been used to beat the neighborhood cats off the trashcan.  It’s totally the thought that counts, and we are currently residing in the South Texas ghetto, so I was thrilled with what I got and happy that my hubbs remembered!

Friday following Valentine’s Day I awoke feeling the dreaded migraine hangover but padded off to work like the good little worker bee I am.  Oh, and this was day one for Lupron injections.  By 2:30 I was out the door trying to get home before the stars and hurling started.  Barely made it, but made it I did!  I had plans to head to my folks after work, but that had to be cancelled for obvious reasons.

Saturday rolled around and UGH!  Still with the migraine.  (Lupron day 2; Gonal F & Menopure day 1) At this point I said to heck with taking only IF approved drugs, and I hit the Excedrin Migraine, Afrin, and Aleve Sinus with a vengeance.  By noon the spots and dizziness had subsided, and I had this urge, need if you will, to pack up me and my 16 year old Chihuahua/Rat Terrier and face the three road hours to Houston where my folks live.  I would have been happy to stay on the sofa, but that little voice in me literally screamed “GO!”  So, I went.

My sister and her husband came over and after dinner my mom says, “Well, now that dinner is over…”  To which I said “Oh $#!t…” as my sis and I looked toward my pop who is a two time cancer survivor (Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and Prostate).  Mom says it’s not dad (What the What?!) it’s her.  Hello uterine cancer, let’s fast track to surgery the next Friday.  Ugh.  Mom has a consultation Monday to receive PET scan results which should determine if there is more to it that uterine cancer.

Sunday I drive back to the South Texas ghetto.  Mom calls and her appointment is rescheduled to Tuesday due to a lab delay.  Tuesday is my second sono/bw.  Cysts are still there but haven’t grown and it looks like I have about five descent follicles.  Ok, five is better than none which is what I was half expecting.  Mom calls and three professionals at her consultation with MD Anderson asked if she had a heart attack.  Seriously?  So they sent her for a rigorous stress test before they would do the surgery.  Heart is good – to surgery we go!

Thursday after my hour drive to San Antonio for sono/bw I load back up and head back to Houston.  The four hour surgery turned into six hours due to how many lymph nodes had to be removed which was determined by the size of the tumor.  Yuck.  I stayed after the surgery until I got to see mom waking up.  So, I left MD Anderson at 8:PM, drove to the folks house, loaded my dog and my few belongings and headed west.  Got home about midnight…  Ugh.

Saturday, at my 7:30am sono/bw, I had the crummy news of, “Yay!  You have two good follies!”  Two?  Two?!  Two is not good in the odds bank EVER but with my new found state of Peri-CrapIt’sOver – two is even worse.  Ok, deep breath…  Mom is doing very well, and we at least have two…  And I had to give myself the trigger!  A double dose of trigger to hopefully release the eggs better/easier.  I sat on an ice bag from 11:45 till midnight when it was time to deliver.  I ROCKED IT!  Yeah, that huge needle in my bum was daunting, but I dang did it and I didn’t even yelp!  WooHoo!

Sunday the Hubbs flies in from Pittsburgh.  Did I mention that he’s been three weeks at a new job way the heck in Pittsburgh?  Probably just as well.  I really didn’t like him during the first IVF cycle.  I didn’t really like anyone actually, so it’s better my dog and I were alone in the house.  Trekking off to San Antonio we go at 6:30 Monday morning.  Since we live so far out my husband had to make his “deposit” at the facility.  Sorry hubbs, but you’re on your own this time buddy!  I was way too stressed already to go in that sterile little room in the hallway and lend a hand so to speak.

I get in my gown, and, yep, it all hit me at once…  The travel, the cancer, moms surgery, the two pitiful follies, the drugs, the fear, the despair, the everything, and I lost it.  Couldn’t stop crying while the poor sweet nurse was trying to start my i.v.  The anesthesiologist was so very kind and knocked me out as fast as he could.  Not sure if that was for my benefit, my hubbs, or his now that I think about it.

I thought I was dreaming when the nurse said 11 eggs were easily retrieved.  11?  From me?  Saturday I had two with some smaller ones they didn’t really count or think would make.  11?  11!!!!  Holy Smacks!!!  So, Tuesday I am of course dreading the call – “Sorry, Mrs Carter, but like before none fertilized.”  But I did not get that call.  I got the call that said I had EIGHT little sprouts from my 11 eggs.  It’s all so surreal even today.  Now I do realize that I might not end up with any to transfer and it’s all still very fragile, but right now there are eight little sprouts from me and my hubbs.  Something I feared never possible.

So, you can see why I haven’t posted anything till now regarding my cycle.   It has been a huge whirlwind so far.  Let’s pray it’s not over!

TTFN!

Izzy

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A Sign???

I’m not a “sign” person. Never have been.  I’m more of a serendipitous thinker to a short extent. It’s not that I’m oblivious to signs it’s more that I don’t see the world in a structure that allows for signs or false hope.  Some say it’s a sign from the universe or Mother Nature that I’ve managed to take out 20 something birds in the last year and a half while driving down the road.  I tend to think I am unfortunate to cross paths with a lot of fowl who are either extremely exhausted and can fly no higher, or they’re just terribly unobservant. Either way I don’t put much thought in it.  Granted that’s a lot of birds up in my grille.

As the majority of society, my cuz and I text frequently,  send funny pictures, share secrets,  and send pictures of various items we think are nifty or that we really want.  A few days ago she texts a link to a jewelry site to show me a necklace she wants.  It was a lovely bluebird on a silver chain with one simple dangling pearl.  (http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/carefree_p366)  I love blue birds as they remind me of my gramma. She loved birds but especially those she always referred to as The Bluebird of Happiness.  A little late evening serendipity brought a smile to my face.  I thought…

I clicked on the tab entitled “Vintage” and this is what pops up…

vintage_baby_feet_withcharm

Now, for the record, Izzy is not my given name, as I have chosen the path of blogger anonymity, but my last name is in fact Carter, and I looooooove pearls.  HELLO…  I didn’t think too much of this other than ‘ugh, I want to cry’ until I texted the picture to a girlfriend.

Her response: STFD!!!  It’s a sign!  WooHoo!  And you wear pearls so well… Yeah hmm!!

Me: Wow I didn’t take it as a sign…  I just kinda went blank then wanted to cry.

Her:  That necklace is so you..  I think it’s a sign..  your name, baby prints, a pearl (your fav) hmm… idk but don’t stress let God work his magic!

Ok, really?  So, I go back to The Vintage Pearl several times and never again is that the first picture to pop up under “Vintage”.  Every time I go there the picture is a necklace with a pearl and the baby feet – no name and no other picture.  And now, I want it to be a sign and I want to order that necklace knowing there’s a baby on the way!!!!

UGH!  Do you believe in signs?

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