Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Dang You Aunt Flo!!!!!!!

Aunt Flo –

You SUCK!  I can feel your evil presence hovering all around me, and you’re so stinking hateful you won’t just knock on the door.  I’m sure you’re going to wait until after the results of my beta tomorrow to pounce!  That’s just typical of you.  For ten years now you have been pulling the same stunt.  I wait until I am a few days late to take the good old HPT which of course is negative and within hours you and your flaming red self show up!  Heck, there were times I took the test just so you would show up and I could get on with my month.  You’re so predictable.

Two years ago you really screwed with my head tho.  After IUI #2, I waited the correct time and took five, FIVE, HPT’s that were all positive, number 6 was negative then three days after that I my Beta showed I was already losing my lil sprout, and BAM! three hours later you show up.  What exactly is wrong with you?  I’ve tried to be nice about your stupid little visits, but I’m getting way too old and too near the complete end of your visiting to deal with these surprise visits.  STAY AWAY ALREADY!!!!!

If you want to visit, the least you could do is wait about nine months.  Seriously!

TTFN you crazy hateful hag!



The Big Day – IVF

The Big Day was Saturday….

As it turned out, out of the eight embryos, we had two viable for transfer.  Now even though I have said all along that I realized all eight might not make it, I was a bit shocked to hear only two were good.  There was an IF euphoric belief dancing thru my head that there would be a plethora of embryos to freeze for a perimenopause rainy day…  But, dumb luck and good fortune being what it is, both lil blastocysts are male which is what we were hoping to have.


Now for the dreaded 2WW…….   Here’s to keeping peaceful sanity!

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A Sign???

I’m not a “sign” person. Never have been.  I’m more of a serendipitous thinker to a short extent. It’s not that I’m oblivious to signs it’s more that I don’t see the world in a structure that allows for signs or false hope.  Some say it’s a sign from the universe or Mother Nature that I’ve managed to take out 20 something birds in the last year and a half while driving down the road.  I tend to think I am unfortunate to cross paths with a lot of fowl who are either extremely exhausted and can fly no higher, or they’re just terribly unobservant. Either way I don’t put much thought in it.  Granted that’s a lot of birds up in my grille.

As the majority of society, my cuz and I text frequently,  send funny pictures, share secrets,  and send pictures of various items we think are nifty or that we really want.  A few days ago she texts a link to a jewelry site to show me a necklace she wants.  It was a lovely bluebird on a silver chain with one simple dangling pearl.  (http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/carefree_p366)  I love blue birds as they remind me of my gramma. She loved birds but especially those she always referred to as The Bluebird of Happiness.  A little late evening serendipity brought a smile to my face.  I thought…

I clicked on the tab entitled “Vintage” and this is what pops up…


Now, for the record, Izzy is not my given name, as I have chosen the path of blogger anonymity, but my last name is in fact Carter, and I looooooove pearls.  HELLO…  I didn’t think too much of this other than ‘ugh, I want to cry’ until I texted the picture to a girlfriend.

Her response: STFD!!!  It’s a sign!  WooHoo!  And you wear pearls so well… Yeah hmm!!

Me: Wow I didn’t take it as a sign…  I just kinda went blank then wanted to cry.

Her:  That necklace is so you..  I think it’s a sign..  your name, baby prints, a pearl (your fav) hmm… idk but don’t stress let God work his magic!

Ok, really?  So, I go back to The Vintage Pearl several times and never again is that the first picture to pop up under “Vintage”.  Every time I go there the picture is a necklace with a pearl and the baby feet – no name and no other picture.  And now, I want it to be a sign and I want to order that necklace knowing there’s a baby on the way!!!!

UGH!  Do you believe in signs?

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The Mom Factor

I don’t feel like I’ve slighted myself any by staying away from the big “G”.  I’m doing just fine not searching myself off the crazy train and into the looney bin!  And besides, there’s no reason for me to hunt up cures, statistics, and hope when I have the mom factor!   Oh yes, mom is on the hunt!  Vitamins, and Minerals, and Diets, Oh My! (Said like Dorothy in Oz.)

I thought doing  the searching was exhausting until mom got on the hunt.  The woman should have a degree in research analysis.   She’s a stinking machine!  Maybe she is just crazy smarter than me, or maybe my IF brain went into mid-hyperspace shutdown two years ago, but she will find multiple sources of the same basic data, compare and contrast, discover the most reliable sources, put the not so reputable sources on the back burner bucket, spit out the whose, whys, and hows of what I should try.  After numerous novel length text messages and hour-long phone conversations that all left my head spinning, I had to tell her to go buy what she thinks I need and I will take it!

It was too much!  I could take no more!  I’m sadly past the point of believing in a magic bullet to get that BFP we all are longing to see.  Being the good daughter and ever hopeful mom-to-be, I’m taking my vitamins and eating the get knocked up food.

I’m jaded and tired, but I’m still hanging on to a few ounces of hope!



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Crazy Google Lady Banned From Google

Ok, not banned by Google but banned from Google by the hubbs…

Last year I swore off google for any and all IF purposes.  I was making myself nuts seeking and searching for something – anything related to my age, treatment, journey – anything.  Knowledge is power, right?  Finally I realized the search for knowledge was actually manic desperation for seeing the unknown.  I cut myself off cold turkey, and I was liberated!  Free to be okay knowing I had the knowledge I needed and was walking the charted course well armed.

Hearing from the nurse that my FSH is 13 which is definitely in the perimenopause category has sent me into an emotional tailspin.  …and the googling began.  This time I have been googling for hope.  Desperatly looking for any information about successful IVF with my numbers.   Unfortunately, all I have found is more despair.   Last night, after an hour and dozens of sites, I teared up (happens a lot these days) and curled up with the hubbs.   After a short paraphrase of how screwed we are, the big man laid down the law (or so he thinks)!  NO MORE GOOGLE!  He’s right.  I’m making myself crazier looking for hope in another persons experience, and my situation won’t change because I read about another persons life.

The truth is that we are all different, and women can and do have “change of life” babies naturally and medically.  It is possible that there is a miracle out there for me.  In our life we have faced worse odds and prevailed.  I insisted on the additional blood work which is why we have this information.  No one, including the hubbs, thought it was necessary since five months ago my FSH was beautiful and well below the norm for my age.  It is good that we know we are dealing with a more extreme situation than we thought.  With this new information The Good Doctor has changed my stim protocol.   Knowing the odds is hard, but I know we are doing everything medically that we can for success.

So for me NO MORE GOOGLE!!!!



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