Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Embracing The Two Week Wait…

Being no stranger to the dreaded …dun dun dunnnnn… 2ww, I have been anticipating this time for quite a while.  I expected this 2ww to be worse than any other since it is my first with an IVF cycle.  Maybe I thought it would be worse because so much more went in to this cycle.  More money, more emotion, more hormonal craziness, more needles, more time, more calendared efforts, more knowledge that I’m nearing the end of my biological time-clock time on the ride…

I, like the majority of IF’s, spend the 2ww busying myself with work, cleaning, exercise, reading (not googling!), chatting, visiting, texting, talking on the tele, checking the calendar every 45 minutes, and whatever I could come up with to keep my mind busy and not obsessing over the impending date a mere 14… 13… 12… 11…. days away.  No matter how I occupied my time, my nerves were on constant overload with the big MAYBE looming over head.

This wait is different.  The time frame is the same, but this time I’ve decided to embrace the wait!  I figure I can eithephoto (2)r be a complete frantic wreck on a wreck (my normal 2ww state of being), or frolic in the joy of what I know to be a truth.  Truth being that I have empirical proof of life which means there are two little living growing organisms inside of me.  Regardless of what happens in the next seven days or nine months right now they are here with me, and they are adored and wanted babies in my once vacant womb.  It’s actually quite simple and so very calming.  I talk to them (yes, that might borderline on loco) often throughout the day.  I keep my little prayer candles lit for them.  I have one of their pictures next to a beautiful bouquet of daisies from my hubbs.  When I look at his picture I smile a deep warm smile that certainly must originate in my soul.  I’m “eating for the boys” now.  Nothing Jessica Simpson crazy, but I generally don’t eat enough, so I’m making sure I eat 3 squares a day with plenty of protein and veggies.

Life is very peaceful, oddly peaceful time, and I’m so very thankful for this experience.  Not the IVF experience, but the chance to experience this joy in life.  I had a similar experience two years ago when had a pregnancy with an IUI.  I had home-tested and was pregnant for only a few days before I lost it.  Should these boys continue to grow and say hello in nine months, I will be thrilled to know the start of their life was nurturing and warm not frantic and anxiety ridden.  Should the Good Lord decide for those tiny souls to join Him and not say hello to me, well, then it will be nice to know what precious little time we had together in this 2 week wait I gave them love and every bit of my joy….

TTFN!

Izzy

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A Sign???

I’m not a “sign” person. Never have been.  I’m more of a serendipitous thinker to a short extent. It’s not that I’m oblivious to signs it’s more that I don’t see the world in a structure that allows for signs or false hope.  Some say it’s a sign from the universe or Mother Nature that I’ve managed to take out 20 something birds in the last year and a half while driving down the road.  I tend to think I am unfortunate to cross paths with a lot of fowl who are either extremely exhausted and can fly no higher, or they’re just terribly unobservant. Either way I don’t put much thought in it.  Granted that’s a lot of birds up in my grille.

As the majority of society, my cuz and I text frequently,  send funny pictures, share secrets,  and send pictures of various items we think are nifty or that we really want.  A few days ago she texts a link to a jewelry site to show me a necklace she wants.  It was a lovely bluebird on a silver chain with one simple dangling pearl.  (http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/carefree_p366)  I love blue birds as they remind me of my gramma. She loved birds but especially those she always referred to as The Bluebird of Happiness.  A little late evening serendipity brought a smile to my face.  I thought…

I clicked on the tab entitled “Vintage” and this is what pops up…

vintage_baby_feet_withcharm

Now, for the record, Izzy is not my given name, as I have chosen the path of blogger anonymity, but my last name is in fact Carter, and I looooooove pearls.  HELLO…  I didn’t think too much of this other than ‘ugh, I want to cry’ until I texted the picture to a girlfriend.

Her response: STFD!!!  It’s a sign!  WooHoo!  And you wear pearls so well… Yeah hmm!!

Me: Wow I didn’t take it as a sign…  I just kinda went blank then wanted to cry.

Her:  That necklace is so you..  I think it’s a sign..  your name, baby prints, a pearl (your fav) hmm… idk but don’t stress let God work his magic!

Ok, really?  So, I go back to The Vintage Pearl several times and never again is that the first picture to pop up under “Vintage”.  Every time I go there the picture is a necklace with a pearl and the baby feet – no name and no other picture.  And now, I want it to be a sign and I want to order that necklace knowing there’s a baby on the way!!!!

UGH!  Do you believe in signs?

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Peri-what the what???

Since last week when Jenna and I discussed passing the Crazy Train torch to me, I have been rough-drafting my reintroduction, contemplating the format, possible outreach, ect.  Yesterday was the day to get my thoughts online!  The day to open myself back up to the WordPress world!  The day to share my ride since i bailed off the train last year!  The day to begin expression, coping, and healing! Or so i thought…

Perimenopause.  That’s what yesterday’s cycle day 4 blood work showed.  That’s the call I got in the middle of the afternoon while at work.  I was already having a bit of a time digesting the conversation I had with the nurse that morning regarding how confusing it was that none of my eggs fertilized during my first IVF cycle two weeks ago.  The numbers tell all.  Five months ago my FSH was in range of a 30 year old which was odd according to my doctor.  A year ago my levels were consistent with that of a 20 year old.  Talk about having hope!     Heck, I was old but my reserve was abundant!

In short, I’m 40, on bcp day 2, and walking toward our second and last IVF cycle.  I’ll post more in the days and moments to come regarding who I am and how i landed back here on the Crazy Train.  Whoever is out there reading, I wish you well with blessings abounding.

TTFN!

Izzy

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