Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Fading Hope….

You know that point in your cycle when you start to feel “normal” and that “normal” completely freaks you out because your normal is the LAST thing you want yet again?  Who wants to feel normal?  Honestly, we want to feel pregnant, with child, in the family way, the bun in the oven NOT NORMAL!!!  Normal is an extended four letter word!!!

Well, I started to feel that on Sunday and it has increased with every hour of every day since.  My normal PMS consists of crying continually at nothing, shooting pains in the netherworld, and extreme exhaustion.  I would include swelling in that list, but thanks to all the hormones, I popped out of my jeans a week into injections, and my bra two days after the transfer.  In my freak out of the norm, I confided in a cousin and a sister-in-law.  Not terribly surprised that they both said that’s exactly how they felt while prego.  Great.  I wanted to argue that this is different because I can feel that damn Aunt Flo is lurking around the corner, but I was too tired to argue.  I appreciate the encouragement, but it’s not helping.  Those sweet encouraging words felt like an uplift for a huge downfall more than anything else.

Is it that freakish IF self-preservation telling me in that dark whisper “you’re not pregnant” or is it Mother Nature doing her thing and me being smart enough to know what she is saying?  Every time I have to hit the ladies room I start to panic anticipating what would signify the loss of my babies.  I find I’m pleading with God to let me babies grow and live in me with some naive notion that there’s still hope.

So many questions fill my head…  When is it too late for implantation?  What could I do to make AF stay away from me?  When did I lose my babies?  Why did I lose my babies?  Did my RE do enough?  Did I do enough?  Since I had 11 eggs, 8 fertilized, and 2 viable for transfer, is it worth another shot?  Another shot since I’m sure I’m not pregnant?  Where would we go for the cycle since my hubbs and I are living in two states 1500 miles apart?  And I’m terrified I’m going to have to make the call before my Thursday PT appointment.  The call to tell the nurse I’m bleeding and is there any reason for more blood work.  Ugh.  Ugh.  and triple Ugh.

TTFN – a pitiful and sad Izzy…

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