Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

Embracing The Two Week Wait…

Being no stranger to the dreaded …dun dun dunnnnn… 2ww, I have been anticipating this time for quite a while.  I expected this 2ww to be worse than any other since it is my first with an IVF cycle.  Maybe I thought it would be worse because so much more went in to this cycle.  More money, more emotion, more hormonal craziness, more needles, more time, more calendared efforts, more knowledge that I’m nearing the end of my biological time-clock time on the ride…

I, like the majority of IF’s, spend the 2ww busying myself with work, cleaning, exercise, reading (not googling!), chatting, visiting, texting, talking on the tele, checking the calendar every 45 minutes, and whatever I could come up with to keep my mind busy and not obsessing over the impending date a mere 14… 13… 12… 11…. days away.  No matter how I occupied my time, my nerves were on constant overload with the big MAYBE looming over head.

This wait is different.  The time frame is the same, but this time I’ve decided to embrace the wait!  I figure I can eithephoto (2)r be a complete frantic wreck on a wreck (my normal 2ww state of being), or frolic in the joy of what I know to be a truth.  Truth being that I have empirical proof of life which means there are two little living growing organisms inside of me.  Regardless of what happens in the next seven days or nine months right now they are here with me, and they are adored and wanted babies in my once vacant womb.  It’s actually quite simple and so very calming.  I talk to them (yes, that might borderline on loco) often throughout the day.  I keep my little prayer candles lit for them.  I have one of their pictures next to a beautiful bouquet of daisies from my hubbs.  When I look at his picture I smile a deep warm smile that certainly must originate in my soul.  I’m “eating for the boys” now.  Nothing Jessica Simpson crazy, but I generally don’t eat enough, so I’m making sure I eat 3 squares a day with plenty of protein and veggies.

Life is very peaceful, oddly peaceful time, and I’m so very thankful for this experience.  Not the IVF experience, but the chance to experience this joy in life.  I had a similar experience two years ago when had a pregnancy with an IUI.  I had home-tested and was pregnant for only a few days before I lost it.  Should these boys continue to grow and say hello in nine months, I will be thrilled to know the start of their life was nurturing and warm not frantic and anxiety ridden.  Should the Good Lord decide for those tiny souls to join Him and not say hello to me, well, then it will be nice to know what precious little time we had together in this 2 week wait I gave them love and every bit of my joy….

TTFN!

Izzy

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This Little Light of Mine

20130131_190925I am an avid amateur candle maker. In fact,  it’s my thing. I love candles!  I love simple candles and dramatic candles. They’re peaceful and radiate a solace.  It’s somewhat spiritual and medatative.  My candles are a-freakin-mazing!  I guarantee they are more aromatic than the best you can buy.   In fact, people have come to expect them as gifts and favors for any and all occasions.  It’s flattering actually.

But tooting my own horn is not the topic to this post…

This Little Light of Mine regards the snowflake candles I’ve been making just for me, myself, and my empty little womb.  I call them snowflake candles not for the starburst pattern of the wax, but for the unique perfection in every single individual snowflake.  It’s how I think of my baby.

In this infertile world, I find that I am more sentimental than pre-IF.  Jaded in certain aspects,  but so very tender and sentimental in others.  I make my snowflake candles with love, and burn them in reverence, hope, and longing for my unborn perfect little snowflake.   (Ok, yes, I know my unborn child is un-conceived as of yet! Details!)

In a nutshell, they make me happy. Happy to make. Happy to light. Happy to watch flicker and dance…

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