Riding the Infertility Crazy Train

how I'm muddling through infertility, loss, and perimenopause

A Sign???

I’m not a “sign” person. Never have been.  I’m more of a serendipitous thinker to a short extent. It’s not that I’m oblivious to signs it’s more that I don’t see the world in a structure that allows for signs or false hope.  Some say it’s a sign from the universe or Mother Nature that I’ve managed to take out 20 something birds in the last year and a half while driving down the road.  I tend to think I am unfortunate to cross paths with a lot of fowl who are either extremely exhausted and can fly no higher, or they’re just terribly unobservant. Either way I don’t put much thought in it.  Granted that’s a lot of birds up in my grille.

As the majority of society, my cuz and I text frequently,  send funny pictures, share secrets,  and send pictures of various items we think are nifty or that we really want.  A few days ago she texts a link to a jewelry site to show me a necklace she wants.  It was a lovely bluebird on a silver chain with one simple dangling pearl.  (http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/carefree_p366)  I love blue birds as they remind me of my gramma. She loved birds but especially those she always referred to as The Bluebird of Happiness.  A little late evening serendipity brought a smile to my face.  I thought…

I clicked on the tab entitled “Vintage” and this is what pops up…

vintage_baby_feet_withcharm

Now, for the record, Izzy is not my given name, as I have chosen the path of blogger anonymity, but my last name is in fact Carter, and I looooooove pearls.  HELLO…  I didn’t think too much of this other than ‘ugh, I want to cry’ until I texted the picture to a girlfriend.

Her response: STFD!!!  It’s a sign!  WooHoo!  And you wear pearls so well… Yeah hmm!!

Me: Wow I didn’t take it as a sign…  I just kinda went blank then wanted to cry.

Her:  That necklace is so you..  I think it’s a sign..  your name, baby prints, a pearl (your fav) hmm… idk but don’t stress let God work his magic!

Ok, really?  So, I go back to The Vintage Pearl several times and never again is that the first picture to pop up under “Vintage”.  Every time I go there the picture is a necklace with a pearl and the baby feet – no name and no other picture.  And now, I want it to be a sign and I want to order that necklace knowing there’s a baby on the way!!!!

UGH!  Do you believe in signs?

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Crazy Google Lady Banned From Google

Ok, not banned by Google but banned from Google by the hubbs…

Last year I swore off google for any and all IF purposes.  I was making myself nuts seeking and searching for something – anything related to my age, treatment, journey – anything.  Knowledge is power, right?  Finally I realized the search for knowledge was actually manic desperation for seeing the unknown.  I cut myself off cold turkey, and I was liberated!  Free to be okay knowing I had the knowledge I needed and was walking the charted course well armed.

Hearing from the nurse that my FSH is 13 which is definitely in the perimenopause category has sent me into an emotional tailspin.  …and the googling began.  This time I have been googling for hope.  Desperatly looking for any information about successful IVF with my numbers.   Unfortunately, all I have found is more despair.   Last night, after an hour and dozens of sites, I teared up (happens a lot these days) and curled up with the hubbs.   After a short paraphrase of how screwed we are, the big man laid down the law (or so he thinks)!  NO MORE GOOGLE!  He’s right.  I’m making myself crazier looking for hope in another persons experience, and my situation won’t change because I read about another persons life.

The truth is that we are all different, and women can and do have “change of life” babies naturally and medically.  It is possible that there is a miracle out there for me.  In our life we have faced worse odds and prevailed.  I insisted on the additional blood work which is why we have this information.  No one, including the hubbs, thought it was necessary since five months ago my FSH was beautiful and well below the norm for my age.  It is good that we know we are dealing with a more extreme situation than we thought.  With this new information The Good Doctor has changed my stim protocol.   Knowing the odds is hard, but I know we are doing everything medically that we can for success.

So for me NO MORE GOOGLE!!!!

TTFN!

Izzy

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